Tripping on Tryptophan: A Thanksgiving Story

Local Homicide Investigators to Question Suspected Accomplice in Missing Turkey Case 

 ~ The Daily Gobble 

Chief Chicken: She’s coming to, fellas. Stay alert and follow my lead.

Detective Dog & Sergeant Sow: Yes, ma’am. 

Allison: What the hell? Am I in the barn? Jesus, not again. How much  wine did I drink?

Chief Chicken: You are at Poultry Police Headquarters. I’m afraid we had to detain you. 

Allison: Wha?? Ahhhhh!!! Damn! Did you just TALK? 

Chicken: Please refrain from profanity. This will go better for you if you cooperate. You are a prime suspect in the disappearance of Turkey Tom. Several witnesses saw you with Tom in the yard last week. Now, what do you know? 

Allison: Oh my god. It’s finally happened. I’ve lost it. I always knew it would happen around the holidays, just thought I had more time. Wait… maybe one of the West coast relatives drugged dessert again? I hope so. Maybe it will wear off. 

Dog: You say you lost something? Do you have a pattern of losing important things? 

Sow: And did you say you’re involved with drugs? 

Allison: You ALL talk? Whoa.

Chicken: We don’t have time for games. I asked what you know about Tom, the Turkey. We have concerned friends and family waiting for word in the coop. Now tell us what you know!

Allison: Well, yeah I saw the turkey when I brought him in the house last week. I had to get him ready for Thanksgiving. 

Dog: What did “getting ready” entail? A bath? A scratch behind the ears? What?!? 

Allison: No, Wolfy, I fed you scraps from the table. How do you not know what happened? 

Sow: Leave the questions to us. Now, what did happen exactly? 

Allison: Well, uh. Do we really need to go into details? He is in a better place. 

Sow: So you do know where he is? Where is this “better place?” Ohio? Nebraska? Not Minnesota. 

Allison: Look, I don’t know why I have to answer to you, but the turkey is gone. We ate him for Thanksgiving. 

Chicken: You. Ate. Tom? Ate him up…What kind of sick maniac are you? I’ve dealt with a lot of twisted criminals in my day, mostly cats, but…

Dog: What did you mean when you said you fed me scraps? Of Tom?!?

Sow: Good god. I’m going to be sick. 

Allison: Look, it was quick ok. I just hit him on the head and it was over. He didn’t feel a thing. 

Chicken: Well, I guess it’s ok to kill us off if it’s nice and fast. Lord, I’m recommending psychological testing for you missy. Did you all enjoy Tom at least? Was he worth the price you now pay?

Allison: Actually, I got him for a good price from a neighbor. It’s cheaper and more humane than the store bought turkeys. But I’ve never really cared for turkey meat. I eat it, but I have to mix it with the stuffing and mashed potatoes for flavor. I’ve always preferred chicken. But tradition is tradition. 

Chicken: Ohhh. No words. 

Dog: (sobbing) I had no idea. You have to believe me, Chief. Who else have I eaten?!?

Allison: I’m sorry, Wolfy, but you’re a hunting dog. I figured you’d be ok with it. 

Dog: Listen, I better go to the coop and break the news. Least I can do. Then I’ll get to work writing my confession. I will accept whatever punishment you see fit, Chief. 

Chicken: There was no way for any of us to know. 

Sow: I’ll go with you. Leave the Chief to deal with this sicko. (Sow and Dog Exit)

Allison: Look, I gotta get back and find out who drugged the pie. 

Chicken: Technically I can’t keep you here. You’re bigger and stronger and I depend on you for grain. But you ruined more than one life today. The farm will never be the same. 

Allison: Yeah, I hear you. I should really go with ham next year. See you at the coop. I have some shopping to do when I come down.