I’ve been on a bit of a blog hiatus this past month. As posted previously, my boyfriend got a job in Olympia and we packed our things and moved. This coincided with my scheduled vacation time. I’d planned to spend time relaxing with my mom who visited from Iowa the week of August 15th, my twin sister who visited the next week, and my dad and stepmom who visited the next week. Since moving costs so damn much, I decided to cancel my vacation and give three weeks notice at my job so I could earn money and cash out on all my vacation time.
Which means I’ve been working, packing, moving, and squeezing in fun time with family. I feel guilty for not writing even though I don’t have many followers outside my immediate family. It’s more that I meant to keep a routine and try to post a few times a week. Part of me says to give myself a break, I had other concerns. But the other part is angry that I didn’t make writing a priority. Whatever, I didn’t have anything interesting to write about anyway. Not that this is particularly interesting.
I haven’t taken any vacation days since December for the holidays. When I canceled my vacation time in order to give notice, I told myself I’d give myself a few weeks to relax and enjoy some down time. But how do I relax when I don’t know when I’ll find a job and when I’ll get my next paycheck? I have plenty money saved and my boyfriend has promised he won’t kick me out or let me starve but my anxious brain still “what-ifs?” and “worst-cases” in spite of these facts.
I’ve stayed cool and calm so far. I’m actually quite proud of how well I’ve done. I feel like a big part of my lack of hysteria so far is due to my constant busyness. Either there is no time to panic or I’m just too exhausted. My fear stems from the uncertainty and deep desire to find a fulfilling vocation, not just a paycheck. I know I’m capable and intelligent. I know how hard I work and that I’ll find another job. But will I enjoy it? Will I want to wake up and go to work or will I dread it?
At this point, I’m scared to stop and slow down. I spent the whole day unpacking and organizing the apartment. I unpacked the kitchen boxes and organized the pantry. Then I unpacked the books, CDs, and DVDs and alphabetized and shelved said items. I rearranged furniture, organized the closets, went to the grocery store, made dinner, did dishes, and then unpacked and organized some more. I didn’t stop until 10:30 pm this evening. Now it’s almost midnight and I’m tense wondering how to stay busy tomorrow.
Why can’t I just allow myself to relax a little bit? What is that? Yes, I know a symptom of anxiety is the “inability to relax” but can’t my anxiety take a vacation so I can vacation?? Well, I’ll try to relax for at least a few hours tomorrow and report back on the results. Thanks for reading my tired and anxious ramblings.